Last week, I felt a very intense cosmic and energetic influence, and I wanted to share a free write I wrote over May 10 & 11 documenting my emotions and experience.

Mercury Retrograde has started today and yesterday  I drank so much coffee that I feel like if I drink any today I will actually perish and die to death. That is neither fun or good or helpful and today I feel like there is more acid in my stomach than usual seeping out into my flesh. Absorbing and taking all the water from my body like a sponge, dry as bone, soaking up the last of the life that there once was.

 

All of that to say, I’m very tired. It’s very crazy and exhausting to run a business,, who knew?!

 

Anyway, today is like floating on and within a fog of my own design

 

Not in a depressed way or anything

 

More like

 

Like I’m sick, feverish and chilled without the temperature and without the sickness. Like the sun took all the energy I had left to give. Like I basked in the omnipresent glow for just a little too long and now I’m recovering from the essence of everything in my little body.

 

Like my spirit is rejecting my flesh…Like I feel like a failure and I feel like the bills won’t get paid and like it’s all my fault.

 

We are living day by day and that’s quite difficult when it’s the beginning of the month and the bills are stacking and it feels like there’s no way out, just an ever growing sickness in the mind. Just a consistently warbling feeling in the depths of my head. Like I’m underwater and all dried out at the same time. They told me to accept heaven’s help. That heaven is helping me and I just need to lay back and relax, for once. Reaping the rewards of the seeds I sowed. Is there anything I need to do? Is there anything I can do? Or do I just have to lie and wait for my dreams to come true?

 

Am i acting out of desperation? I think I’m acting out of desperation and I need to focus on service again. How can I help you today? Do you have worms in your brain or maggots in your muscles that need tending to? What’s your problem?

 

I feel on the verge of crying, but like I can’t let it out.

 

I feel like a failure for just sitting around waiting for my wishes to be granted. I feel like there is more I need to be doing. I feel the slime creeping up my legs and holding my arms back while I’m force fed garbage and gunk to fill any light that shone through.

 

Empty, like nothing/

 

Vague and misunderstood

 

Reaching up, grasping for forgiveness

 

A comfort I only deny myself.

 

I painted little flowers today and that made me happy. Little dollops of hope carefully given life on watercolor paper.

 

What are you afraid of?

 

I’m afraid of losing

 

Where do the water lilies go when the sun goes down?

Who will be your savior when everyone else has drowned?

 

You hold the magic in your fingertips, but you’re too afraid to see the sparks fly

So you hold yourself back, wallow and cry

That you don’t have what you want

When you’re too afraid to get it

A feedback loop of epic proportions

Feeding you to a frenzy of piranhas

When all you have to do is say yes

Then the magic will flow with majesty and grace

And finally, that smile will appear, big on your face

At the wonder you create with all of your quirks and charms

There ain’t another man like you ]

 

What is there to say in a word, or even two or three?

 

Oh hello, mighty plain, filled with wonder and majesty

 

Utter magnificence in your grace and step and

 

I don’t know, all that other shit too

 

The wind comes howling through the slivered crack in the door

 

The door they really just threw into this place without care or regard

 

Like it was just any old door they found

 

So the wind comes howling through like so many ghosts on so many ships

 

Wailing away at the moon

 

While you

 

I feel cosmically sick

like my stomach is empty and full and my brain is full of water

 

barely able to get up

 

how to deal with mercury retrograde:

 

I’m feeling insane, so you may be too. I’m feeling cosmically sick like I’m doing so much and not enough and utterly burnt out. crisped from the inside out and like I can’t move. unmovable. immobile.

 

full of dread and doom

 

I have a car payment to make and that’s been stirring trouble deep within my bones. having a store is hard. I love having a business and it is so difficult to have a business. especially when it’s just you and your mom living day to day off the sales we make. some days are better than others and that’s just what you’ve got for the day and you’d better hope it’s enough.

 

money is a funny thing. it’s a weird and curious oddity full of consequences and implications. don’t have enough and you’re bad and not good enough and God simply hates you. you have too much and you don’t know what to do with it and it simply makes you sick inside. extremities holding all of these things together.

 

and I need $100 for my car payment due tomorrow and I’ve gotta just trust that somehow it’s going to happen and be fine and work out all for the best. and I feel like I’m asking for help and I’m being helped and then there’s things like this that come along and you wonder if you’ve done enough or if it was always just going to be this way no matter your attitude about it. but attitude is everything.

the way you perceive and process your situation is entirely what makes that situation exist. I’ve been scared of money today and that’s held a toll on my spirit and my heart

 

along with my affliction, I don’t feel consumer ready    like I’m full of flaws and faults that just aren’t necessary to show the public. like they don’t need to know my weakness or hold power over me in such a way.

 

I feel depressive symptoms and simply out of my mind and out of my body and like it’s all moving without me.  I’ve felt this before and I’m feeling it again. like the world is spinning and I’m just here trying to hold on tight. to not get left behind.

 

I know everything is good and okay and equally insane and falling apart and that’s just the way it is. all there is is universal divinity and I hold in myself that I’m good and doing enough and even great and succeeding and all that I can do is stay true to myself